Heather lived on our floor. She was pretty attractive, but there was something a little off about her… maybe “skeezy” is the right word. Enough that when she’d bounce into my room and plant herself in my 17 year-old virgin lap, I’d complain loudly instead of rejoicing in my good luck.

There was the time she ran in asking if I had a credit card. Yeah, why?

“There are some pictures of me on the Internet!”

“I’m not paying for it, but maybe we can find them anyway. What site?”

“Playboy!”

Sure enough, we found ‘em… The Girls of Spring Break.

(click for the full picture – opens in new window)

After a handful of similar instances, we were pretty sure she was pretty promiscuous. As adolescent males, sorting this out was high on the priority list.

This was about the time Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboards were super popular, so to prove our theory we came up with the ultimate test. Call her as “Tyrone,” a guy purporting to have met her at a party and try to cajole her into committing to sex.

Dan had the the best voice for Tyrone. He was my first college roommate, and undoubtedly the most hilarious guy I’ve ever met. He was crazy, uninhibited, genius, impulsive, manic… he was the kind of person you aspire to be.

We all crowded into my room and I rigged up a contraption and taped it to my cellphone. Luckily only Dan Tyrone could hear Heather’s responses through the headphones, otherwise there’s no way we would have been able to stay quiet.

Notice how many times the conversation could have derailed. What a badass!

Heather & Tyrone 1
fontwhorecom-heathertyrone1.mp3

Heather & Tyrone 2
fontwhorecom-heathertyrone2.mp3

“Says who?” pretty much settles it.

Here’s a little bonus. Dan called another time as Travis, a guy down the hall we were pretty sure was hitting it on a regular basis. Poor Travis was forced to whisper because his roommate was asleep. Heather told him coming over wasn’t a good idea at the moment. One of her friends was coming over.

Not to worry — Travis has a solution.

Heather & Travis
fontwhorecom-heathertravis.mp3

Maybe we should make a Dan/Tyrone soundboard.